I Human

Prognosis
Like every kid that turns 13 and feels the need to back answer his parents, like every teen that turns 20 and feels the need to decide on his career, like every adolescent that turns 28 and feels the need to settle down with someone special, like every adult that turns 35 and feels completely unsure about all the decisions made as a kid / teen / adolescent / adult, I am no different. My mother blessed me with glowing skin and ageless genes; a fountain of youth if you will. People, strangers, dogs, cats, pigs comment everyday. "You're really 37? Damn it, you look really good." I accept humbly. Every month I head to the local optician for an eye exam and they say the same thing on repeat, "Madam, why do you waste your time and ours, you have perfect vision. Just accept it." They might be right, but only I know the blur I see when I wake up. The blur I see when I think. The blur I see when I reflect. Maybe glasses are not the answer to my mental blindness after all. There is no test to gauge that yet. No test that can put a measure on where one stands on the human highway.

Diagnosis
Along with my fantastic genes, my mother also gave me the weakest knees in the business. At 37 to be diagnosed with arthritis is a dream come untrue for any hairdresser. At crossroads every night, career stands to the left and freedom to the right. My mental wheelchair keeps on pulling me to the left screaming, "Shit happens, deal with it woman." Freedom on the other hand seduces me with a vision of the open road and dolphins dodging fishing nets. Choice is not an option listed in the multiple choices.

Neurosis
I find myself turning and twisting every night with dreams crashing on rocks like reality. 'Black and gray' is the new 'black and white' proclaimed the stupid fashion magazine and my sub conscious listened. Gray haired beasts seduce me with brand new knees as I lay mercilessly and smile. Rivers of gray blood flow in every neighborhood as all the locals dive in with pure delight. Gray skies look down with horror as trees get slaughtered by the minute. My black eyes see grey blur even when closed. I know I might sound a bit reflective. 'A bit on the edge' as they would say. So close that the 'born again' feel the need to come out of the woodwork and try to rescue me. So close that close friends start to become distant. So close that only dogs follow. But I am not losing the plot as they might think; I am only just developing it.

Hypnosis
In the midst of my gray war, "Into the Wild" descended on my existence. My life as I knew it seemed meaningless. Every relationship made and every destroyed seemed meaningless. Future, freedom, dolphins, pigs, career, family, elephants, husbands, cats, lovers all merged into one giant ball and crushed my handicapped knees. I lay underneath the giant ball and smiled with weak delight. I know I do not have it in me to let go of everything and venture 'into the wild' territory but 'wild' was definitely a gene blessed on me by my mother. I know I do not have the guts to close my bank account and donate everything to charity.I am a human, who thinks too much to be happy. I am a human, who thrives in misery. I am a human most importantly. "Happiness is real only when shared", wrote Chris at the end of the movie as he lay on his deathbed. So I share mine with you. I share my joys and my sorrows and most importantly my torments. Curse me or cherish me. I will stand tall regardless and maraud on all our judgments.

PS: "Society, you're a crazy breed. I hope you're not lonely without me." Eddie Vedder.
- Sapna Bhavnani